We humans are social creatures who were born to connect, though what that looks and feels like is different for every person, with some craving the stimulation and energy that comes from a robust community and others seeking out only a handful of close connections over a lifetime. These differences can be particularly true for neurodivergent adults, especially as an Autistic, ADHDer, or AuDHDer with a brain and body that has different social needs and capacities.
Regardless of our differing needs when it comes to the quantity of our relationships, most of us have a shared desire for a certain quality in our relationships in order for them to feel worthwhile, especially our most intimate ones. This is because these relationships can help us feel seen, known, and cared for, with the potential for being incredible sources of joy and safety in our lives when things are going smoothly.
But relationships by their very nature are complex, and the convergence of the needs, desires, and expectations of two or more humans can also mean that our most intimate relationships are the ones that can bring us the greatest pain and confusion when reality doesn’t match our expectations.
Why Relationship Expectations Can Feel So Confusing
Many clients come to me asking some version of the question “am I expecting too much from my relationships,” or on the other side of the spectrum, “am I not expecting enough?”
This confusion around what to expect in a relationship can arise when we have struggled to identify our own needs and capacities throughout our lifetime because there either hasn’t been the space or the appropriate support to do so.
This is true for many late identified neurodivergent adults who might struggle with the interoception skills necessary to track their inner state and capacity, as well as for those who have been functioning in a survival state as a result of past relational traumas.
How Our Parts Learned What to Expect in Relationships
Whether our confusion around expectations stems from trauma or repeated misattunement over time, all of us carry the experiences of our young parts inside who learned what they could or should expect in a relationship from the people around them. Because these lessons are often implicit and held on a deeper unconscious level, they can live within us unexamined while driving the present day behaviors of our protective parts.
For example, some of us have young parts who became hyper-independent because they learned that others can’t be counted on after chronic disappointments early on and throughout life. These parts often rush in to say “I’ll just do it myself” rather than trust a partner or loved one to step in and carry the weight, the pressure of self-reliance feeling safer than the pain of disappointment.
Others might have parts who witnessed a dynamic between caregivers where one person’s needs were consistently centered over the other’s, and this imbalance became accepted as the norm without questioning the role of internalized beliefs around power, gender, ability and worth being perpetuated. Protective parts are often in conflict, sensing something is off but perhaps feeling guilty for questioning things that aren’t entirely clear.
Other parts might have learned to “stay quiet” or shut down in the face of conflict, whether that was modeled by the adults around them, or learned explicitly through painful experiences where voice and choice were taken. Protective parts can react to these lessons in a number of ways, ranging from staying small to stay safe to reckless grasping in a desperate attempt to regain that lost agency, and hopefully, connection too.
Understanding and Shifting our Expectations Through IFS
From an Internal Family Systems perspective, it’s never too late to more securely attach to our sense of Self within, and that secure attachment to ourselves becomes the foundation for a healthier attachment dynamic with others through the dance of interdependence.
Interdependence is our ability to feel rooted in ourselves, while recognizing that we can and should depend on others for a fuller life. But what that actually looks and feels like isn’t always what we might have expected.
If you feel open to doing so, I invite you to ask yourself:
What are the origins of your expectations in your relationships?
What are the stories and beliefs of the parts who picked these up along the way?
Do these parts hold fears or concerns that create tightness or rigidity in how you hold these expectations?
Are the beliefs these parts holding aligned with the unique and present day needs and capacities of your current relationships?
If you’d like support to slow down to better understand the parts within you who hold their own beliefs about relationship expectations, whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, I invite you to follow along with the guided practice I created in the video below (you can also view this in my Video Resource Library along with the full transcript if that is more accessible for you):
Changing Expectations as a Fixed Assumption to a Commitment to Collaboration
Healthy expectations in relationships might look different for every individual and every relationship, but a commitment to connection can create more aligned expectations of how each person can truly show up in a way that honors what’s possible, no matter how each person’s capacities and needs evolve over time.
The reality is that there is no one “template” for healthy expectations in relationships, and a more meaningful focus becomes building the capacity to commit to ongoing communication and collaboration.
Of course, there are absolutely limits to where our own inner explorations can take us, and when we’re in relationship with others where there are clear power imbalances or a lack of accountability or effort from either side, then holding our expectations is what makes the most sense.
But when that line isn’t so clear, it can help to slow down to gain the clarity we need to determine whether the change that is needed might come from within us.
By clarifying the unique needs, desires, and expectations within ourselves, and then communicating these in a healthier way, we have an opportunity to begin building clearer connections, greater trust and stronger bonds that all of our parts are ultimately hoping for.
Sabrina Bolin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Belong Within Therapy. As a multiracial (Vietnamese White), neurodivergent (AuDHD), queer (pansexual) cisgender woman, she helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and other marginalized and misunderstood humans relate to themselves and to the people in their lives with more compassion and greater understanding through a relational and embodied approach to IFS. Reach out today to learn more about how Sabrina can support you.