How Inner Conflict can Reveal our Core Values
Inner conflict is something that every single one of us will experience at some point in our lives, though some of us experience it more often than others. The distress itself can range from a bit of unease to complete overwhelm and shut down. This is especially true when it relates to decisions we're trying to make, which could move us forward in one direction or another. Of course, this can also be compounded for those who already experience challenges with executive function, such as the neurodivergent adults who I have the honor of working with.
IFS Therapy: A Gentler Approach to Inner Conflict
In my life and practice, I have found that a relational and embodied approach to IFS therapy can help us navigate this inner distress with more understanding, and oftentimes, more effectiveness. In IFS therapy, inner conflict is described as a “polarization,” where two opposing parts (or groups of parts) are polarized around an issue. Polarizations are incredibly common and often what brings many of us to therapy in the first place. It’s that feeling that “a part of me thinks I should _____, but another part of me feels like I really need to ______.”
As relatable as this is, what many of us don’t realize is that there is often a third part that gets wrapped up in the mix - one who gets hooked into our nervous system, looping with worry about the stuckness itself. When we take a moment to bring our curious attention and gentle presence to this worried part, the one who is “upset about being upset,” we can begin the process of creating more openness and understanding for all of the parts involved. Many times this worried part just wants to make sure we’re aware of this inner conflict and can start to “spin” when it doesn’t know or trust that we have the willingness and capacity to support the other parts in conflict. By stepping in to show this part that we can handle it and that we don’t believe that being conflicted means something is inherently wrong about us, this part will often settle back.
The Complexity of Being Human and Holding Conflicting Values
Inner conflict is not only a normal part of being human; it actually points to a valuable aspect of our humanity as complex beings who often have conflicting values. This shows up as parts that hold what's important for us on different levels and for different reasons. When we're able to slow down and then gently create space to more deeply connect with and understand those parts in conflict, we're usually able to gain more clarity around why these parts are disagreeing to begin with.
A Case Study in Connecting with Polarized Parts
I'll give you an example of a recent polarization I navigated with some of my own parts, where parts showed up in distress around how to consciously and ethically engage with technology on the whole, and more specifically, with social media.
On one hand, I have parts that come in that have a desire to share something helpful for people in a broader way. They recognize that social media is an opportunity for me to use my voice for good and to reach people I might not reach otherwise as I adapt and integrate neurodiversity-affirming principles into the Internal Family Systems approach. As I hear from this part, I start to recognize that it simply wants me to be generous in community, with a very pragmatic understanding that often that community can be found online in social media spaces.
On the other hand, I have parts that are pulling me back from showing up and engaging in social media. As I slow down, I can hear a part specifically trying to offer me some protection from the very real risk of getting sucked into a social media spiral, losing access to healthy boundaries with my time and energy. This part values my physical and mental wellbeing and recognizes that unconscious immersion into social media can be a threat to that.
When I hear from both of these parts, they make so much sense to me, so I explicitly let them know that. In doing so, I feel a little more trust and have an opportunity to see if either part needs support from me to ensure I’m able to honor what it’s trying to protect. This might look like listening when these parts speak so that I can intentionally engage with social media with clearer boundaries. It might even mean the necessity for offering firmer limits to re-balance inside when some of those hyper-fixating parts take over. I can compassionately approach both the boundaries and limits from a place of understanding, leaning into greater fluidity and flexibility.
When Relationship with Parts Matters More than Resolution
As we slow down and hear from these parts one by one, we will usually find the inner distress itself starts to lighten. It doesn't change what these parts are holding, or the importance of what they're holding. But what does shift are the relationships; instead of each part trying to control the other, they are now able to turn toward our core selves and trust that the values they each are holding can be creatively and collaboratively honored. This is rarely one and done but rather through ongoing conversations and relationship building, where we can better meet the needs of both of these parts in some way, shape or form.
Is this a perfect process? Absolutely not, because nothing is. In fact, it isn’t always this straightforward, and parts might be protecting deeper vulnerabilities that need tending too as well.
Will the distress return? Most likely. There'll be moments when other parts are vying for our attention, and this inner conflict itself might go on the back burner when it comes to where our focus is, especially for neurodivergent adults who will naturally shift focus when internal and external distractions seem to be everywhere, all at once.
Committing to the Process to Move Forward
The beauty of this process is our ability to see distress, or worried parts, as signals to slow down instead of as something wrong that has to be completely removed. When we are paying enough attention and listening for those signals, then we have the opportunity to return again and again to check in with these parts to see where things might have gotten out of balance. By doing so, we can shift from a need to “resolve” the inner conflict to nurturing the relationships between these parts and our core selves, with a trust in the strength of those relationships to lead us forward each step of the way.
Sabrina Bolin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Belong Within Therapy. As a multiracial (Vietnamese White), neurodivergent (AuDHD), queer (pansexual) cisgender woman, she helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and other marginalized and misunderstood humans relate to themselves and to the people in their lives with more compassion and greater understanding through a relational and embodied approach to IFS. Reach out today to learn more about how Sabrina can support you.